Negotiations with a Terrorist…. I mean Two-orist…..

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My husband and I are living under siege. A fast rising leader of a covert breed of extremists, known in our house as The Two-orists, has set the peace and tranquillity of our inner west refuge in his sights as primary target of attack Our Two-orist  is particularly terrifying, as he is rumoured to have an extremely high IQ and absolutely no fear or regard for his own safety. His attacks are unpredictable and perhaps most dangerously of all he does not respond favourably to bribery.

Perhaps you don’t yet know what a Two-orist is? Well, for those of you lucky enough to have  escaped the wrath of a Two-orist, let me give you the low down, so that if you ever find yourself under attack you are able to correctly identify your assailant.

A Two-orist is a mini person usually aged between twenty four and thirty six months.

A devout Two-orist is willing to inflict as much psychological and grievous bodily harm to both themselves and/or those in their midst in order to assert their authority and acquire their own way. All in the name of The Wiggles!

Two-orists are passionate and committed to achieving their objectives in any mission: Base jumping out of the trolley for a go on the Bob The Builder tractor ride at the mall? No problem.

Screaming blue murder, fists a’pumping and legs kicking wildly on the kitchen floor, all because they were given a peanut butter sandwich, when (gasp) they asked for a peanut butter sandwich? Absolutely. Anything for the cause!

Two-orists like to keep their opponents guessing, favouring the element of surprise. They have a penchant for zeroing in on frazzled parents, preferably those who are weighted down with shopping bags, prams and scooters, so that they are at their most exposed and vulnerable.And they are renowned world wide for their kamikaze attacks on sleep deprived Mummy’s.

Two-orists generally prefer to attack unpredictably and without warning. That said, historically, the majority of reported attacks to date have occurred towards the end of the day when the two-orists primary target is deemed to be at their weakest and patience levels are operating at an all round low.

Please be careful when characterising a Two-orists as they are not always immediately identifiable. Two-orists are extremely smart. They are particularly skilled in the art of disguise, rumoured to be a result of hours of disciplined training in their rooms playing dress ups. Their chameleon like qualities can sometimes make them difficult to pick in a crowd, because they often pose as sweet, angel faced toddlers particularly when they are in the presence of older civilians, such as grandparents. In fact it is in the presence of grandparents that a Two-orist can be at their most cunning, messing with the primary targets mind by pretending that butter wouldn’t melt in their mouth!

Yes. This is the Two-orists piece de resistance in psychological warfare. Right before your very eyes they morph from a feral wild-ling into a renaissance cherub, suddenly remembering all of their pleases and thank you’s, as well as eating all of their dinner (with utensils) and not even one morsel of it ends up on the floor!!! Perhaps even more astounding is that when a Two –orist is cloaked in their disguise and in the presence of grandparents, you don’t even have to crocodile wrestle them out of the bath! No lips blue or convulsing twisting torsos a mere one degree away from hypothermia, because, wait for it, they simply step from the bath when asked….I KNOW!! We are dealing with psychological masterminds!!!

Their behaviour becomes so good that you begin to wonder if you imagined or perhaps just exaggerated it all ?  I mean really, just look at that little smile!  They aren’t so bad, are they? Surely there are no weapons of mass destruction hidden in that little Peppa Pig backpack – right?

And that’s when they know they’ve got you!

They see your eyes momentarily soften and your heart begin to melt…. and then, they pounce, sidling up to you, onto your lap, knowing their battle is won.

Smiling up at you, a tiny little hand creeps into yours and you are captured. You have no choice but to wrap them up in your white flag and surrender to the fact that once again you have been outmaneuvered, outsmarted and conquered by the beguiling manipulations of a Two-orist.

Disclaimer: Just because you are now equipped to identify a Two-orist, please keep in mind that this in no way means you are prepared to engage in battle. Negotiations with a Two-orist can be dangerous. Please approach all Two-orists with caution, preferably armed with a thick skin and a sharp mind. And try to remember that Two-orists are able to make even the most level headed of Mummy’s question their sanity at times… Good Luck!