The Evolution of Romance

Recently my husband and I celebrated out ten year wedding anniversary. We decided to celebrate the occasion with a romantic weekend away. A simple fire on the river bed, champagne and a little vow renewal to reflect on the last ten years of married life together. We were after something meaningful, something simple….Just the five of us…..yes that’s right we decided to take our three small children, because, well, romance…right?

Dressed in some simple “renewal” outfits, the fire was raging and my husband and I started to reflect on everything that had led us to this moment. We cheers’ed our plastic cups of champagne (because no one with kids under five risks proper glassware) and we looked at each other. Look at everything we have……
And then Finn threw sand in Harry’s eye and Jack dropped his lolly pop and Harry cut his toe and Jack bit Finn on the arm and WAAAAAHHHHHH parenthood encroached on the romance……we set down our champagne and set about refereeing the tribe. Again. It made me think back to how our anniversaries have changed, and particularly how my definition of romance has disintegrated evolved over the last decade of marriage.

Typically, romance is defined as a feeling of mystery and excitement associated with love. And this is certainly true in the early years of love. In the beginning, romance is all about sexy lingerie and hot dates at fancy restaurants’ and also quite significantly about the element of surprise. I know this first hand, because I used to spend weeks, sometimes months preparing for an occasion like a birthday, trying to find meaningful presents to show my cherished soul mate just how well I knew him and how very thoughtful I was….. and now the words “soul mate” kinda make me retch a little in my own mouth. Anyway during this phase at my most “romantic” I booked an amazing weekend away in a little cabin with its own private pool, massage service and endless champagne. We also went to an intimate starlight jazz concert, picnicked under the stars AND gave each other gifts….Am I Kim Kardashian? No. We were just in the honeymoon phase.

As the years tumble by the excess and showiness of the honeymoon phase fades and romance transforms into a more reserved, thoughtfulness. This is a lovely stage where you and your partner are so comfortable and know each other so well that you celebrate in a more relaxed and casual way. Maybe it’s a quiet weekend away together; or maybe it’s a printed photo book reminiscing all your great times together so far; or a dinner somewhere with ambience, but tucked away. The celebrations at this stage are more about the warmth and getting your partner gifts that have sentimental meaning. The effort is there but the need for flashy has faded.

And then somewhere in there, the joy of having children starts and the idea of romance shifts again. Maybe, post baby, there is a date night here and there; or if you can’t venture out, perhaps it’s just some precious time alone on the couch with a glass of wine – half watching Netflix and half watching over your sleeping angel in awe of what you’ve both created, but also silently begging them not to wake (read: pausing Netflix to vigorously rock your night owl baby back to sleep every forty minutes). The romance bubble has expanded outside of the two of you. The photo book from before seems almost inconsequential.

As the children grow in numbers and the time married discreetly increases, your alone time as a couple dramatically decreases. Romance metamorphoses again, and again, until it’s something else entirely….something I like to call, camaraderie.

At ten years in and three children deep, I am well and truly into camaraderie stage. I fully acknowledge that lingerie has absolutely no place in my life…..unless of course I want to be four children deep imminently that is ☺. But it’s ok, because in the camaraderie stage, what I‘ve realised about myself is that what I now find romantic has also dramatically changed. Romance to me, right now is having someone to roll my eyes with when my three year old bursts into tears for the twenty third time that morning because his shoe is eating his sock.

And do you know what’s way more romantic than any elaborate flower delivery that has ever come my way? Having someone who hoses vomit off my sons mattress protector in the middle of the night, while I shower down the puker and put him back to bed. Hot right?

And if you really want to know what truly makes me go all swoony and girly, prepare yourself because it’s a total game closer. Ready? It’s when I go to unpack the dishwasher for the third time that day and find it’s already been done!!!! In the camaraderie stage there simply isn’t anything more romantic or swoon worthy than that!!

I suppose what I’m saying is that to me romance isn’t eating out at fancy restaurants and elaborate surprise gifts anymore. Right now what I truly believe is more romantic than anything is quite simply just having a trench mate. Having someone who knows me so well he can tell whether to bring wine or coffee just by the intonation of my text message.

These days romance is as simple as cherishing two hours on the lounge in your pyjamas holding hands, exhausted from the day that was, and appreciating just having alone time together.  Romance is having someone to weather the chaos with. And evidently romance IS spending my ten year wedding anniversary eating burnt sausages off the open fire (because I forgot the oil) and playing musical beds at night (not even once in the same bed as my husband) …….even if it is a far cry from the lavish anniversaries gone by. It’s just romance evolved.

I guess what I’ve realised is that romance isn’t always about obtaining the perfect moment together. More often than not it’s about enduring and laughing off the imperfect ones (like trying to steal kisses and say vows on the river bed even when you are surrounded by chaos and crying and someone is persistently trying to wipe snot on your dress).

Romance is being able to smile through the chaos and know in your heart that this “camaraderie stage” will actually serve you with the memories that will last a lifetime. Sure, there will always be different hurdles, but long after the last flower delivery has been forgotten, me (and you and your partners) will always remember the puke on the mattress and the time you worked together in the middle of the night to clean it off. Because lets face it, it’s these moments in the trenches that really shape us. And so while these days I acknowledge that I am very poor in the racy lingerie stakes, I know I am very rich in love, camaraderie and chaos. In fact I reckon I am practically a millionaire in chaos.

What is romance to you these days?